Journey Towards Ethics
+1 516 6011576
International Youth Ethics Forum
Journey Towards Ethics
+1 516 6011576
International Youth Ethics Forum


Life after betrayal: how to restore trust

Forgive the betrayal of a loved one – many this task seems impossible. How to restore trust after the partner has changed, says a psychiatrist.

Often partners have different ideas about what to consider a betrayal. For some, virtual sex is innocent entertainment, for others – betrayal. For some, watching a porn movie is a manifestation of infidelity, and registration and correspondence on a dating site without real meetings can cause a divorce.

It’s time to end this uncertainty. I propose a universal definition of betrayal.

Betrayal (infidelity) – the destruction of trust due to the intentionally concealing of important intimate moments of their life from a partner.

Recovery of trust

I gave such a definition without an emphasis on the sexual sphere to emphasize: the main thing in treason is a loss of trust. This is important because the fact itself will remain in memory for life, but trust can be restored.

My 25-year experience in the treatment of psychological and sexual problems associated with infidelity shows that the solution to the problem begins with the restoration of trust and it ends.

In the process of restoring trusting relations, partners need to learn to be open and honest in everything. It is not simple. Many deceivers in the process of therapy only pretend that they are trying to change, but in fact they continue to lie. This tactic works, but sooner or later partners are again convicted of them in deception.

If you sincerely repent and want to save the relationship, you need to try to become absolutely honest

Trust is not restored only because one of the partners has ceased to change another. It can be gradually returned only if you take the obligation to constantly tell the truth, no matter how painful it is. The deceiver ceases to be a deceiver when he begins to tell the partner about everything: about gifts to children and trips to the gym, financial expenses and haircuts of the lawn and, of course, about all social ties, even about those that his chosen one does not like it.

Lies in salvation – also a lie

Absolute honesty is a matter of behavior, not thoughts and fantasies. If you could not resist communicating with the former, you need to tell a partner about this. But if you just think that it would be nice to call the former or meet him, but do not go to action, you can tell a friend or psychotherapist about this, but not spouse.

Stephen Arterbourne and Jason Martinkus in the book “Ster of Trust” describe absolute honesty as follows: “I will rather lose you than deceit”. They write: “In your honesty paradigm, a shift must occur. The truth should be the number one priority for you “. The authors claim that the former deceiver always needs to tell the truth: “If your wife asks you if her favorite trousers are fully fulfilled, you must tell her what you really think”.

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